First Step

Being the oldest sibling in Korea means a lot of responsibilities, at least in my family it is. I don’t know what other Korean/Korean American families are like so I can only speak for myself. Expectation as the oldest meant that I had to be the second parent for my little brother. Meaning, if there was only one piece of chocolate left, I would need to give it to my brother (which is giving up a lot). It meant that as my parents age and are unable to take care of themselves, I would need to take care of them. Maybe this isn’t exactly due to Korean culture, I’m not sure, but this is the philosophy I grew up with.

I was also responsible for being the first to experience just about everything before my little brother and advise him to not make the mistakes that I made. I was the first to go to high school, first to go to college, the first one to get a driver’s license, the first to graduate from college, and the first to get a job. There was no one around me who could give me advice on the first day of high school, getting into college, choosing your major, etc. My parents never attended college in the states so they had nothing to offer me except for encouragements and concerns. It was especially hard due to my parent’s language barrier as I had to represent my parents and translate everything for them including parent-teacher conferences and calling Comcast (which is hell). Any problems and questions that came up not only in my life but in my entirely family, I had to do my own research, decide on my own, and knock on wood that I didn’t just make the most terrible mistake ever. If it sounds like I’m whining about the early independence and responsibilities I had to experience that’s because I am.

I had constant doubts and regrets involving my choices/mistakes and there was no one to blame for but me. The concept of “being responsible for you own (and others)” came and hit me fairly early compared to others. You would think I would be an expert in this by now but the thing is I still struggle with it. I still don’t like calling Comcast for my parents (because it’s hell). I still don’t feel comfortable/responsible enough to handle the pressure from my parents as they rely on me for a lot of things because I’m the oldest. I still have constant regrets, doubts, disappointments, and other negative things you can tell yourself. As an obsessive planner of everything in life, the uncertainties are dreadful. All of this made me feel lonely and depressed. I cried at nights and I got upset at stupid little things. I even went to a Psychologist but wasn’t happy with the doctor’s unprofessionalism. I felt like there was no one around me to seek help. At least, whenever I reached out I would soon face disappointments.

I blamed myself for all of this: I’m not good enough, I’m too quiet, I’m an introvert, I’m not outgoing enough, etc. I didn’t like that I felt that way and that I was agreeing with these reasons. I didn’t want other people to notice these things and I didn’t want to deal with people who would make me feel stupid and constantly mock me for the way I am. I kept my distance to those who made me feel worse that I already am. I’m not proud of how I did it (I basically ignored them), but I don’t have any regrets. I ended up not caring about not having any friends and I didn’t mind being alone. I started to not feel lonely, at least not as much as before.

Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean that I block myself from all interactions and stay in my little corner. Humans are social beings. There is a reason we go to school and get jobs (apart from financial reasons). It’s because we can’t live without being part of our society which involves social interactions. But I don’t seek to interact with people with the intention of being best friends. I’ve been too hurt to do that and I don’t want to deal with that at this point.

As the oldest, I wasn’t expected to follow in anyone’s footsteps. There were no footsteps to follow in the first place. I was expected follow my own path and be the glue to hold my family together. I can’t say that I’m wise enough to do that and I can’t say that I got the hang of everything in my life just because I’m the oldest. I can say being the first to experience “life events” wasn’t easy (not that anyone’s life is easy), there are ups and downs which I still struggle and deal with. This struggle will most likely never end but I can say that I’ve accepted this as part of my life. And I think that’s the most important first step.

Sonyeo

(Image Source: CHO LI Huang)

Fresh start

My last blog post was in December 27, 2014. Almost a year ago.

A lot of things happened, of course, over a year and I’ve put off blogging for awhile. My only excuse is that I was busy trying to put my life together. Now that I’m at a place where I feel more comfortable, I reflected over my blog and decided to continue it.

As a fresh start, I reorganized my blog. Hopefully I can be more efficient than before and just remember to be who I am.

Just when I thought I finally got somewhere, a place I could feel a little secured and relaxed, something else comes along the way and distract my thoughts.

My mind becomes too congested with unnecessary thoughts derived from fear. Why is it that fears constantly follow me and I let it overpower me?

I wish I could just erase all the stupid thoughts and just enjoy life. I don’t know what exactly “happiness” is but I do know I’m definitely not happy. Damn it.

I am in a lonesome competition.
I find myself constantly comparing myself to others and try to compete with them.

That girl is skinnier than me.
That girl is prettier than me.
That girl is more fashionable.
That girl is more intelligent.
That girl is more outgoing.

Then I look at myself and ask, what’s wrong with you?
Why can’t you be like them?

Why can’t you read a little more,
talk a little more,
exercise a little more,
dress up a little more?

I feel that I will never win first place but I continue to compete.
I am in a lonely struggle to be “perfect” without knowing what “perfect” exactly mean.

Time is flying and the days are getting shorter. The wind is cool and the sun isn’t as strong as before. There are already few dead leaves crowding the sidewalk.

My search in life still continues.
My first “real” job. My first apartment.My first salary.My first bill.

The beginning of independence.

It’s exciting and frightening. It’s something I know that everyone will go through, is going through, and have gone through. But the each search is an entirely new and different adventure. All I can do is do my best under circumstances, keeping up with optimism against sadistic reality. There are endless possibilities and endless trials. I just hope I reach at least “somewhere” to begin with before time beats me in this game. Because time doesn’t kid when it comes to time; it’s rather cruel and severe when in competition.

Someone told me that positive stereotypes are good thing because we are then imposing positive perspective on groups of people instead of the negative which is what stereotypes are largely associated with. By encouraging positive stereotypes he commented that this may overpower the negative prejudices and therefore everyone won’t have to face offensive bias statements about the groups they are associated with.

I’m not a anthropologist nor am I a “big” thinker, but this comment really pissed me off.

Firstly, what is “positive” and “negative”?

How do we make a judgment and distinction between the two? Is there a set of ideas/standards that we all can agree on to categorize the “positive” and the “negative”?

1. Prejudices/streotypes are preconceived knowledge in which we base off our assumptions about something.

2. Our assumptions about a group can limit our perspective of one individual

For example because I am Asian, people assumed that I was innately intelligent especially at math. It’s true that math was a subject I was mostly comfortable with but that’s not because I was born a math genius thanks to my ethnicity, but it’s a subject that I enjoyed doing and a language that just made sense to me. But the so-called “positive” stereotypes was rather discouraging.

I have always tried my best, it may not be the best but I really did try to be successful in whatever task or job I was given. When I aced a math test not once did someone come up and congratulated me on my efforts. As a hard worker, simple compliment is always appreciated. But I received none.

3. Whether stereotype is positive or negative is all based on our perception.

What you may think as positive may be negative to some. This is all based on the preconceived knowledge which greatly depends on the cultural background and the environment you were raised in.

Even if a stereotype is seen as positive, it is still an act of judging an individual with the preconceived assumptions about a particular group that the individual is associated with. It is part of human nature because everything we have known are chains of knowledge our ancestors have somehow created and passed down from generation to generation. But it is our responsibility to accept the flaws of human nature and be aware of the endless possibilities an individual may bring to the table.

As I come to the close of this chapter in life, a lot of things have been in my mind.

All the immature, stupid things I’ve done in life.
All the things I could have done.
All the things I didn’t do.

Sure I have regrets and sure I wish I could go back in time and slap myself in the face and start scolding.

But the reality is that the pages of next chapter is emerging and I have to go on even if I don’t want to or even if I’m not ready for it.

I will think of it as a fresh start, a new beginning.