Being the oldest sibling in Korea means a lot of responsibilities, at least in my family it is. I don’t know what other Korean/Korean American families are like so I can only speak for myself. Expectation as the oldest meant that I had to be the second parent for my little brother. Meaning, if there was only one piece of chocolate left, I would need to give it to my brother (which is giving up a lot). It meant that as my parents age and are unable to take care of themselves, I would need to take care of them. Maybe this isn’t exactly due to Korean culture, I’m not sure, but this is the philosophy I grew up with.
I was also responsible for being the first to experience just about everything before my little brother and advise him to not make the mistakes that I made. I was the first to go to high school, first to go to college, the first one to get a driver’s license, the first to graduate from college, and the first to get a job. There was no one around me who could give me advice on the first day of high school, getting into college, choosing your major, etc. My parents never attended college in the states so they had nothing to offer me except for encouragements and concerns. It was especially hard due to my parent’s language barrier as I had to represent my parents and translate everything for them including parent-teacher conferences and calling Comcast (which is hell). Any problems and questions that came up not only in my life but in my entirely family, I had to do my own research, decide on my own, and knock on wood that I didn’t just make the most terrible mistake ever. If it sounds like I’m whining about the early independence and responsibilities I had to experience that’s because I am.
I had constant doubts and regrets involving my choices/mistakes and there was no one to blame for but me. The concept of “being responsible for you own (and others)” came and hit me fairly early compared to others. You would think I would be an expert in this by now but the thing is I still struggle with it. I still don’t like calling Comcast for my parents (because it’s hell). I still don’t feel comfortable/responsible enough to handle the pressure from my parents as they rely on me for a lot of things because I’m the oldest. I still have constant regrets, doubts, disappointments, and other negative things you can tell yourself. As an obsessive planner of everything in life, the uncertainties are dreadful. All of this made me feel lonely and depressed. I cried at nights and I got upset at stupid little things. I even went to a Psychologist but wasn’t happy with the doctor’s unprofessionalism. I felt like there was no one around me to seek help. At least, whenever I reached out I would soon face disappointments.
I blamed myself for all of this: I’m not good enough, I’m too quiet, I’m an introvert, I’m not outgoing enough, etc. I didn’t like that I felt that way and that I was agreeing with these reasons. I didn’t want other people to notice these things and I didn’t want to deal with people who would make me feel stupid and constantly mock me for the way I am. I kept my distance to those who made me feel worse that I already am. I’m not proud of how I did it (I basically ignored them), but I don’t have any regrets. I ended up not caring about not having any friends and I didn’t mind being alone. I started to not feel lonely, at least not as much as before.
Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean that I block myself from all interactions and stay in my little corner. Humans are social beings. There is a reason we go to school and get jobs (apart from financial reasons). It’s because we can’t live without being part of our society which involves social interactions. But I don’t seek to interact with people with the intention of being best friends. I’ve been too hurt to do that and I don’t want to deal with that at this point.
As the oldest, I wasn’t expected to follow in anyone’s footsteps. There were no footsteps to follow in the first place. I was expected follow my own path and be the glue to hold my family together. I can’t say that I’m wise enough to do that and I can’t say that I got the hang of everything in my life just because I’m the oldest. I can say being the first to experience “life events” wasn’t easy (not that anyone’s life is easy), there are ups and downs which I still struggle and deal with. This struggle will most likely never end but I can say that I’ve accepted this as part of my life. And I think that’s the most important first step.
Sonyeo
(Image Source: CHO LI Huang)